Daddy Rentfrow. Bittersweet.

Sunday is Father’s Day. It is a national day that people use to celebrate their fathers/fatherly figures/mothers who are also “the dad”/a memory of a father. For me, it is a Sunday.

Why? Because my dad isn’t special enough? No. Because my dad doesn’t deserve it? No way!

Because my dad is my best friend, my closest confidant, my rock. I daily tell my dad how much I love him and how great he is. And if you know him,you know how great he truly is. He is the first person I go to when something great has happened or when I am so angry at someone or something or when I just need advice. He is literally my best friend. ||bittersweet||

My dad is not perfect, but he is the perfect dad for me. I am a spitting image of him. He taught me all of my great sarcasm, he gave me different ways to think through things, and he taught me how to be excited about life, even when it sucks muddy water.||bittersweet||

Most importantly, he has taught me that God only wants the best for me and loves me so much. My dad has taught me that just because you ask God for something, there is a good and perfect reason for the answer you receive. ||bittersweet||

My daily prayer is that my dad would be healed, that the cancer would just go away and that he would live forever. (because, come on, he’s my dad.) God hasn’t healed my dad and some days are really rough for him, but he STILLS has faith and shows me daily that just because he’s sick doesn’t mean he can’t be my dad. Cancer sucks, but it has made me appreciate every single moment I get to share with my dad and the memories we make. ||bittersweet||

I love you, Dad. Thank you for every single thing you have ever done for me. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You are truly the greatest dad.

//as far as the east is from the west and the north is from the south. as deep as the ocean and as high as the sky//

[[and to everyone who has lost their father in this past year, two years ago, or fifteen years ago, just know that my heart goes out to you as you view Father’s Day a little bit more bitter tasting.]]

HIMYM

I love How I Met Your Mother. It’s one of my favorite shows. It is so relatable and entertaining, and come on, Ted Mosby. 😉

There is an episode after Ted and Stella break up and they are talking and this is how the conversation went:

Stella: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, ‘Lady, I’ve been waiting for you all day.’ And I said, ‘Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.’
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it’s just a joke. I know that you’re tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she’s on her way, Ted. And she’s getting here as fast as she can.

I was so tired of waiting. People always tell me how young I am and how I have my whole life ahead of me, but I had to grow up a long time ago and I was just so ready to not be on my own anymore, to have someone to share life with. Someone that was worthwhile. Someone that was supposed to be.

I am so thankful for Adam and I’m not the least bit upset that it took him 19 years to find me. Knowing what I know now and knowing I can feel like I do about someone, I would wait 20 more years for him.

Dear Friends,

I whole heartedly apologize to anyone I have ignored, been rude to, or not spent time with.

To say I’ve been struggling with friendships is an understatement. Many people know that I lost/misplaced/cut out a lot of friends these past two years. There were many reasons for what I did and after having my trust and hope for future friendships ruined, I’ve decided to stop letting that hold me back. You won’t gain any reward without a little risk, I want to step out from behind my fear-filled wall and work on fixing broken friendships, building new friendships, and strengthening my existing ones.

If you’re on board, let me know. Social media me, text me, email me, call me. Because if you can read this, then know that I love you and this applies to you.

So please, help me break down this stupid wall that I built and let’s be friends.

It’s been some time.

Lately I have reallllllly been struggling. In every way possible. It’s been insanely hard to wrap my mind around what’s been going on and even harder to explain.

I have been sick for awhile. I can never get better. After trying a few different things, finally taking an insane amount of medicine and vitamins seemed to be working and made me feel human again. Paired with eating differently and working out in different ways, I thought I had everything figured out. No. I didn’t. Now I have this insane pull on my belly button every time I move and there is nothing I can do to make it better. (Yes, I’ve talked to the doctor about it.) I have been physically miserable and that’s been seeping into every aspect of my life.

So I apologize. I apologize if you have felt ignored, neglected, hated, or forgotten lately. I’m really struggling and I just needed to shut down.

I hope I get better soon. Health is something I never intend to take for granted again.

Here’s to hoping this passes and passes soon!

21!

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago! I am pleased with the day I had and I am so blessed to have such great friends and family who love me. 🙂

I loved every moment of my birthday!

Got my huirr did up all cute!

Adam got me flowers and a tiara 🙂

🙂

Love her and her thoughtfulness!

Kris has quickly became a very good friend!

Kimm and I with a sweet photo bomb to Tony!

LOVE.

Andrew comes first, always 🙂

Tony and Andrew!

Tony and my sister!

Love these two!

Bromance.

Boyfriend ❤

He’s a cutie!

SO CUTE.

Linda got me this awesome cake!

Harv would not accept that it was my day, not his!

So he took a nap!

2013.

2011 ended horribly for me. The only good thing to come out of that year was Adam. 2012 has been a huge struggle financially and emotionally as I stepped out in complete faith that God would bless me and He has, though it’s been extremely hard to trust. It has its good moments–new nephew; new, good friendships!

…but it was more heartache and grief then I wanted/could handle. Like most people, bring on 2013!

I have never made resolutions that I actually told people so I have never completed them. This year, I made myself come up with 6 resolutions. Why 6? Because I am sick and tired of failing and being sad so having 6 goals should keep me busy and hyped!

1.) Get in shape again and change to a healthier life style.
2.) Form new, healthy friendships while maintaining the ones I already have.
3.) Let people in and close again. (Hardest one, by far!)
4.) Get engaged to Adam (out of my control, but hey, a girl can dream ;])
5.) Seek and pray for future guidance. Find a career and/or God’s plan for me and my life. (See #4)
6.) See and spend far more time with the people I love, pertaining to my family. And especially my dad, as I miss him so much since I moved out.

We will see how I do 😉

XOXO

Did that happen? <3

12/12/12 became a joke in my family. Amy was due the 5th of this month and we told her if she could just hold on another week…when I got a call at 4:15 on Tuesday morning, 12/11/12, my heart exploded. Andrew was ready, he was coming, on his own-he was scheduled for induction on Wednesday morning.

The labor and birth stories are Amy’s to tell, but let me just say, it was an experience. I was a mess of emotions and could not sleep for almost 30 hours straight. It was intense, great, beautiful, gross, interesting, wonderful, and most importantly, worth it.

12/12/12 at 5:27am, he made his debut. He was 8lbs 1oz and 19.5 inches long. He was more handsome then I ever could have imagined and my heart IMMEDIATELY exploded. I love him in such a crazy, deep way that I didn’t even know existed. I cannot even put all of this into words.

Andrew Ray, thank you. Thank you for giving me a whole new reason to love. Thank you for being healthy and cuter then ever. Thank you for the healing you are bringing to our family. And most importantly, thank you for being Amy and Kevin’s son. They love you SO much. You should see how your daddy looks at you, he is so proud of you. And your mom? Well she went through an intense few hours, just to give you life. You have only begun to feel the love that there is for you. The world is at your demand, as am I. Aunt Beka loves you little man. <;3

Thanksgiving 2012!

I helped cook Thanksgiving dinner and no, no one got sick. It was very successful, in so many ways.

I started dating Mr. Adam almost a year ago and it has been an amazing one at that. He has this incredible family that is a perk of dating him. Especially his mom. Let me tell you, she’s the best. Linda is the kind of lady that will bend over backwards for you if you’re in need, she loves and cares for her family in ways I’ve never experienced before, and the way that she has accepted me just blows me away. She’s so great.

I got the honor of cooking Thanksgiving dinner with her. It was exciting, yet scary. Lol. Let me explain. Linda is an amazing cook. I am mediocre at best. See why it was a little scary? But with much credit to Linda, it was a success. Everyone was happy, full, and ready, with containers, for leftovers. 😉

I got to meet the Middleton side of Adam’s family, for the first time as well! It was an experience. I adore family (as everyone knows) so I was overjoyed just to be involved.

I will cherish the memories I got to make with Gramps and how he told everyone I was a catch and how he also informed me of the catch that I have. He’s a smart man 🙂 He said he’d marry us when we were ready, I am sorry you never got that chance. Thank you for letting me have a chance to meet you before you left this earth. I’ve learned a lot about you these past few days and I am sorry I never got the chance to get to know you. Enjoy Heaven, Gramps!

I am so thankful to have met Linda, Daniel, and Ross. I am thrilled to have them in my life and I hold them all very, very close to my heart. ❤

BFF, my butt.

To a not so old, old and distant friend:
I do not hate you. I love you and miss you nearly every day. I miss the stupid things we did together, all the things we used to cook and experiment with making. I just simply miss our friendship. I cannot even look at pictures because it brings me to tears to see all of those memories and to know that I will never experience a friendship like the one we shared. You were my best friend and I trusted you with everything in me.

Part of me wants to hate you, not to miss you, and wants nothing good to ever happen to you. After what you’ve done, said, and broken…I can’t. I still wish you well.

But you can keep your distance. You’ve damaged me more then I ever thought a person could. I’ll miss you from afar because this is where life has brought us. I will not ruin my life with hatred of you, but I will keep what has happened in the back of my mind and I hope you do as well. I hope you see the wrong you’ve done and one day can own up to it. Until then, I will pray. Pray for my heart to not be hardened, pray for me to forgive you entirely, and I’ll pray for you, to have the best this world can offer.

If I would ever run into you, I don’t know what I would do, but…

There is a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I choose forgiveness.

Aunt Beka.

Andrew, I have not met you yet, but the amount of love I have for you is unreal. I have known about you since Easter weekend and I have been patiently waiting your arrival since. You are a special little guy. I cannot wait to watch you learn to crawl, to walk, to talk, to run, to read, to write, to play, and to be.

Tomorrow is the day I’m suppose to be able to meet you, your due date. As there are no signs of you showing us your cute little face soon, I will try to hide my eagerness to meet you and hold you. And to kiss you. And to pinch your cheeks. And to dress you up in crazy clothes. And to show you off to everyone. And to snuggle you. Yeah, I’m hiding it so well 😉

Andrew Ray McCollister, you have stolen my heart already ❤

P.S. Please hurry.

P.S.S. Everyone can start calling me Aunt Beka to get ready 🙂