Because of you.

I am writing this blog because I need to do so. Bear with me. This is extremely hard for me to process. This blog involves Kelly Clarkson and my stepdad.

My parents got divorced in 2001 my mom got remarried in 2002. Seems crazy when you type it out…
Anyway, I had a new stepdad! I was young, I had no idea what had happened to get my family to the point we were, but for that moment, I wasn’t unhappy.

There was some time of adjustment.
As time went on, like a few months, I began to be grounded and punished for the CRAZIEST things. I spent an ENTIRE 3 month long summer, a prisoner in my room. For what? I, honestly, have no idea. Amy and I were constantly being criticized and yelled at. We lived in constant fear of upsetting him. There were good days, and there were bad days.

This little family-thingy, my mom, stepdad, Amy, and I, gave us a few solid, good memories of our time spent together. Then there are the other memories. The ones that I locked up in a closet, never hoping to relive. And I was doing so good…

Whenever this song comes on the radio/my iPhone, I change it IMMEDIATELY. I love Kelly Clarkson. Her music and lyrics have really hit home so many times, this was one of those times I was not a fan of it. Every single time I hear that song, I think of my stepdad. Why?

Because of him, I doubted everything I had ever been taught.
Because of him, I hated myself.
Because of him, I was lost.
Because of him, I questioned everything I ever believed in.
Because of him, I was afraid.

Only a few people know the real reason why Amy and I were able to move in with my dad. It was because of my stepdad and the abuse he was spewing onto Amy and I. My dad is my hero for getting us out of there. ❤

The anger and fear I have kept inside since all this happened, 5 years ago, has been insane. Memories will randomly come back to me and I get angry all over again. Abuse, whether verbal, emotional, and/or physical, should never be taken lightly. And it most certainly shouldn’t be pushed aside for 5 years. I was more concerned with our physical safety then, now it’s my time to work on my mental safety.

Now it’s my time to process everything that happened and to work through it. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Because of you, I am afraid.

7th Heaven.

Today, as I was putting Tyson to sleep and watching an old episode of 7th heaven, I started crying. The episode was about Christmas and the real meaning behind Christmas.

I have been SO caught up in myself and everything that is going wrong. Things I cannot change, but yet feel as though if I fight hard enough, they will change. I’ve been feeling like I’m failing. Miserably. I can’t financially do what I could before, I always feel stressed out, I just feel like I can’t win.

But today, I was reminded that life is so much more then all these things. Life is meant to be lived and lived to the fullest. There is no need to stress about the things you can’t change or feel guilty for what has happened.

Jesus was born to die for all of us. He willingly gave His life for every single person and that is something that is hard to grasp. Jesus was born. He is the Savior.

So this holiday season may not be exactly how I would want it to be, but it will still be beautiful and wonderful. Andrew will be here soon, I’ll be surrounded by people that love me…I could not ask for more. ❤

I’m the youngest of five kids.

I have failed. Miserably. Since I have all these new, legit people in my life…they all think Amy is my only sibling. Though she is stellar, there are many more of us!

FIVE kids. We have Rae, Kimm, Randy, Amy, and myself. I love all my siblings. I have lots of stories about them and how torturous…merrr…memorable they made my childhood years. I think my absolute favorite was when we convinced Amy to get back into the dryer…then we turned it on. Priceless.

I enjoy them all and I love that Facebook helps keep me connected to Rae and Randy ever since they ran away. (They didn’t run away, they grew up and moved on with life in a crazy way. I miss them. Terribly.)

We all have different last names, we hardly look alike, and we have all grown into very different people, but we are from the same lady, we all have that blood running through our veins and we all have that sibling bond that can never be broken. No matter what.

That’s my story and I am sticking to it. ❤

My newest endeavor.

My bffl/cousin Courtney let me work on my photography skills with her offspring. I took close to 300 pictures of her cuteness and I am pretty stoked about the photos I captured! Though she was grumpy from beating up furniture earlier in the day, I’d say that the shoot went well. Here are a few to gander at. I am stoked about her more formal ‘studio’ session next week.

People, let me take your pictures. I don’t charge since I am a newb, I edit, and I let you have all of the pictures I take and edit…all for free. Because I need practice and I have this insane passion to document EVERYTHING. Help me. ❤

Rut McRut pants

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!
^^that crap has become a phrase out of my mouth way more then I am okay with. I am over bad crap happening to me. I am done with this phase of life. I have never wished time away, ever. And now…time, go away. Come back when you’re nicer.

I am tired of being moody, sad, broke, and just down right stressed.

I believe that God has my back, but I am not good at patiently waiting for His timing. Because honestly, this blows.

Help me, I’m poor. [bridesmaids quote in the midst of my insanity, score]

But in all seriousness, this is dumb. Blargh.

Bellarive is the cats meow.

Adam introduces me to the weirdest, most passionate bands. I had no idea there was music that existed outside of what was on the radio. (That’s not completely true, but you catch my drift.)
It’s been amazing.

But tonight, tonight was stellar. Beyond stellar. It was so God-filled, passionate, and real. So real. I cried. A lot. Because God was there and so evident. It was powerful and moving and beautiful.

I cannot sum up, or even begin to repeat all the things that were said tonight, but the thing that has stuck with me and may very easy be my new motto was said by the beautiful and oh so talented Melissa. She said, “Faith cannot occupy the same place as fear and in the same fear cannot exist where there is faith.” BAM! That’s why I was at that show tonight.

I have been SO fearful. Fearful of rejection, failure, hatred, judgement, ridicule. You name it, I’ve been fearing it. But tonight, that changed. If I am fearful then I am not letting my faith do what it’s there for. God is faithful and always has been and He will continue to be, I just have to have FAITH, not be fearful of it not happening.

Let me just say that God is real and when you open up, He steps in. And boy, oh boy is it wonderful.

Well said.

I look good covered in happy.

I do not think I’ve been hiding how horrible this past year has seemed to be. I’ve been so overwhelmed with sadness and grief when I write, I’ve never expressed how GREAT this year has been. One certain thing in particular.

I’m so in love. So insanely in love with Adam Middleton. The day I met him, I NEVER imagined he’d be this important to me. Cliche? I do not care. He’s great!

Let’s be fair, when we met I had just had my heart ripped out and a few days later, what seemed to be left of my heart was stomped on…then set on fire. But he never once, stepped down. Even after I was mean, rude, and just plain selfish. He saw something between us that I wouldn’t even begin to grasp until a little later. That cup of coffee started something so magnificent!

He bought me flowers, downloaded the episode of The Walking Dead that I missed and brought it to me with my favorite coffee drink, he wrote me cute little notes, made me dinner, took care of me when I was sick, opened the car door for me, emailed me all day long while I was at work and so much more….he did all of that to show me how much he cared about me and he still does those things to show me how much he loves me.

I am so insanely blessed to be loved by him. He is my rock. I’ve never once believed that God gave me someone to date, but God gave me Adam. To love and to have. I cannot even express the amount of emotions I have for him.

I fall more and more in love with him everyday. I’ve let him in so close to my deepest secrets. I’ve acted crazy around him. I’ve cried my eyes out with him by my side. But he still looks at me with those adoring eyes and tells me he loves me and that everything will be okay, and I instantly feel relief.

I cannot wait for the day I marry him. That will truly be the best day of my life. I love you Lambicans. Thank you for being everything I’ve ever wanted and so so much more. I’ll stop with the mushy stuff now, but seriously, he’s stellar.

Life is far too short.

I received an heart breaking phone call this past Tuesday morning. My uncle had passed away after a tough battle with leukemia.

Not only was he my uncle, he happened to be my best friend’s dad. To see, hear, and experience her pain….to say the least, It’s been a tough week.

Needless to say, my sorrow has been at an all time high. I have been heart broken for the pain my family is feeling and even more so for my friend, as she suffers a tremendous loss.

This is no situation that someone should be prepared for and it has to be taken one day at a time.

I lurve you Courtney, I cannot even grasp the pain you are feeling, but I’m here. Simple as that. </3

Whoa.

Forgiveness has been something that I have been struggling with lately, lately meaning almost an entire year. Earlier this week my anger for a certain person overwhelmed me and ruined my WHOLE week. Why? Because I’m upset? No. Because it should? No. Because I let it? Yes. My dad told me, “Every day you stay angry with her, she wins again. She is still in control.” I cried like a baby. He was EXACTLY right. After everything that had happened, I was still angry and would not forgive her. I refused to pray about it. I refused to let anyone advise me in the right direction. Until my dad, he knows how to get to me. But even then, I had not given it to God.

I was confronted earlier this week about my spat with my mother. I immediately disregarded what was being said to me because I am hurt, angry, and very bitter. We both had our parts in this mess, but I would not let go. My anger goes deeper then I could have ever imagined. I had been praying about it. I was praying that God would show me why I was SO angry and why I could not let it all go. She’s my mom, we are family…this should not be happening. Still, I am human and wanted nothing to be fixed.

Here’s the kicker, today as I was driving and I turned the radio to Star 88.3, I barely turn on the radio anymore, but I did today. I caught a snippet of a story of a mothers who’s 20 year old daughter had been killed by a drunk driver named Eric. The mother has since reached out to him…my mind was blown and my ears perked up. She went to visit the young man and told him that she forgives him, and Eric has since accepted Christ and changed his entire life. That’s amazing in itself, but it got better. The mother has since went to the courts and got Eric’s sentence cut in half from 22 to 11 years. Eric will be getting out of prison very soon and the two of them will start traveling around telling the story of forgiveness and new life. I was balling at this point. He killed her daughter and she forgave him! God was definitely in the situation. THEN this song came on…(listen to it! CLICK HERE!

I was sobbing.

How could someone forgive such an awful act? To God, all sins are the same. They are all wrong, but that does not mean they are unforgivable. Forgiveness comes when your heart is ready and you ask God to help you forgive someone who has wronged you.

Today I prayed that God would soften my heart towards my mother and Lindsey and you know what? He did. I have forgiven them both for the things they have done to me. I also asked to forgive myself for holding onto all of this junk for so long. I feel like a new person. I cannot even comprehend everything else that happened quite yet….God is just so stellar.